


On the Topic of Jaskier's Aging

by fiveclawedfics



Category: The Witcher (TV)
Genre: Beating up intangible concepts for fun and profit, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Jaskier's ageless existence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23159560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveclawedfics/pseuds/fiveclawedfics
Summary: Jaskier has questions about his aging. Geralt has answers.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 65





	On the Topic of Jaskier's Aging

"Geralt? Geralt, I've been thinking."

"..."

"I know, I know, big surprise, Jaskier the bard, bastion of intelligence, fountain of wit and wisdom, is thinking. _And_ I share _all_ of my _brilliant_ ideas with you on the regular, aren't you lucky? Keeps your mind bright and sharp on these long, boring, slogs through the backwaters of civilization, I have no idea how you survived all those years without me."

"..."

"But, well, _this_ thought, it...mm, I thought you might have some. Er. Insight. On the issue."

"...What happened, Jaskier."

"No, no! Nothing happened, nothing at all! Actually, that's sort of the problem, you know, the not-happening of certain things, I've noticed that...

"....Geralt, do you realize that we've been travelling together for twenty years?"

"Hm."

"Twenty years! We ought to celebrate, next town. But you know, every time I look in the mirror, I can't help but notice... Geralt, I _haven't aged_. Twenty years, and I look _exactly the same_."

"..."

"I still look like the beautiful, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed young bard, freshly released into the vagaries of this cruel-yet-wondrous world, who stumbled onto a certain noble witcher brooding in the corner of a cruel-and-unfeeling tavern. Well, I can't say that I'm wholly unhappy about the situation but, er...that's not quite _normal_ , is it?"

"..."

"Of course I noticed ages ago that you've been riding the same bloody horse-- _samebeautifulhorseRoachstopsnappingatmeIdidn'tmeanitlikethat_ \--are you _smirking_ at my distress, Geralt?! Don't turn your face from me, I know the _exact_ twitch your lips make when you smirk--"

"..."

"-- _Anyway_ , you've been riding Roach for far longer than any other horse might last, and yet she handles the worst sort of terrain like a fresh young mare. I admit, I sort of assumed it was some sort of witcher thing--that they give every witcher a, a magical, ageless horse when he finishes his training and then sends him on his merry, monster-killing way. Least they could do, really. And Roach always seemed brighter than most horses, too. Still not sure how she managed to get up on that roof.

"Ha! See! You're _smiling_! Didn't I say, 'We'll look back at this and laugh,' three hours into the epic Roof Horse Struggle? And here we are, laughing! I'd make a song out of it, you know, but _no one_ would believe how _that_ worked out.

"So yes, I just pegged Roach for a magical, ageless witcher horse, because she's such a smart and special girl. _Aren't_ you, lovely? Oh, you know I can't give you treats on the road, Geralt would kill me."

"Leave Jaskier alone, Roach."

"Thanks, Geralt. The thing is, _I'm_ not a magical ageless witcher bard. _I'm_ nothing special at all. I'm just...me. And yet. Here I am. Ageless."

"..."

"..."

"...I've been punching your aging in the dick."

"...I'm sorry what."

"I've been punching your--"

"Yes, I heard you the first time, Geralt, repeating it won't make it any more sensible. You--you can't just _punch_ aging. It doesn't work like that!"

"It's simple once you get the trick of it. I've been doing it for Roach for years. She's a regular horse."

"And you just decided to, what, start punching the aging out of me as well? That's something you can do? Pull the aging out of a person--or a horse, sorry Roach--and punch it in the dick?"

"No."

"...Good gods, I never thought you'd try to pull a fast one--"

"Roach is a _mare_. Her aging doesn't have a dick to punch."

"..."

"There's better places to punch a horse, anyway."

"--Hang on, we are still talking about--"

"Her aging, yes, I don't punch my _horse_ , Jaskier."

"No, you just punch her _aging_ , of course, how could I have _ever_ been so dense. Because punching aging is _so_ easy, once you get the hang of it."

"You asked, I answered."

"..."

"..."

"...Can I watch?"

"...What."

"If you really _are_ punching my aging in the dick, then you must do _something_."

"Yes."

"So can I watch?"

"...Sure. After we make camp tonight."

And they did.

**Author's Note:**

> So when I dipped my toes into the Witcher's online fandom, I found plenty of theories about Jaskier and Roach's apparent immortality, and yet _none_ of them gave the obvious answer: Geralt beats up their aging process until it leaves them alone. He's freaking Geralt, if anyone can beat your telomeres into a healthy state, it's him.


End file.
